


Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

by covertCalligrapher



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, it was literally just to make my friend sad, yo it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 17:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/covertCalligrapher/pseuds/covertCalligrapher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i warn you i've been told it was sad</p>
    </blockquote>





	Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

**Author's Note:**

> i warn you i've been told it was sad

You were never really one to believe in fate. When the man with the large, grating voice had been dragged into your prosecution's office for trespassing, it was only a matter of time before he pulled you right on in. You'd both discussed why he was there with his lawyer, and what could he possibly do so this wouldn't amount to a real criminal record.

 

You'd smartly informed them both that trespassing on private property and then resisting arrest was enough for a significant amount of jail time.

 

You wish you could have seen the look on his face, but you could nearly smell the anxious sweat that gave away his fear. You'd had a good laugh at that, and soon your assistant, Nepeta, had tapped you and informed you that their anxiety was growing a bit past what would ideal for deal making.

 

You'd then proceeded to tell both the nervous, angry man and his counsellor that the owners of the land had decided not to press charges. You'd persuaded them to drop them in the face of the fact that the trespasser, one Karkat Vantas, was a simple landscaper who had gone to the yard after dark to retrieve some equipment he had left there, lest he be billed for it by his company.

 

On the way out after this, you had asked Nepeta to write your number down and you gave it to Mr. Vantas, asking him to call you if he needed anything.

 

Exactly one week later, you received a call thanking you for getting the home owners to not press charges and effectively saving his job. He seemed to have been bullied into making the call, as is apparent when he begrudgingly asks if he can take you to dinner to repay you for what you did.

 

Though you knew he did not want you to accept, you do, grinning as you hear him unhappily set the date. When the time comes for it, he picks you up and you try to focus very hard on his shifting form, but all you manage to see are the usual blur of twisting colors.

 

During your first date, you describe to him the extent of your vision. You make a point of noting how you do not volunteer the information, but rather that he asks for it. It puts you in a cheerier mood to think that he seems interested in you.

 

You get to know him more from there, your heart eventually swelling at every thought you have of him. When he calls you your stomach tightens and when he relaxes enough to be affectionate towards you, your eyes close and it's really alright that you can't see what he looks like. You gather together pieces of his personality that you hear in his words, glue together what he looks like in your mind, and comes out perfect despite the cracks and places where the seams are uneven. His face is sharp like his words, but his voice is large like his compassion. He's so warm, but he never likes to be kind to others. Only in stolen moments does he really ever let you experience how truly _human_ he can be.

 

After what feels like one continuous day, but is apparently a year, _you_ pop the question, suggest getting married. At first, he's against it, what good would it do to get married? You both know you love each other so why tie each other together like that? You suggested that it was tax deductible and that the local gym gave out discounts to married people, and he'd relented at your jokes. Four months after you two were engaged, you were married, and you'd never been happier in your life.

 

It was beautiful, or really, so you've been told. It was hard to see, but Karkat assured you all the while that it was wonderful. _He_ had never been so happy. He had such little family, most of the guests were from your side. You noticed he didn't have a father present, just a mother who's voice was small, but who's words were large.

 

For your honeymoon, you didn't really do anything too extravagant. You went to stay at a hotel in the mountains for two weeks, and the nights were bitterly cold, but Karkat was so gloriously warm. You really loved him and found complete happiness there with him. To you, one of the best decisions of your life was getting him out of his jam, and you wouldn't trade anything for this.

 

After three years of marriage, the next logical course of action would be to try for a baby. You had never really been fond of children, but he was so eager and yet shy to start a family you just couldn't say no. You grew very fond of the idea of having a child who would call you mommy and wouldn't care that you were blind. The whole year you and Karkat were trying for a child was spent in equal parts worrying that you both weren't going to be good parents and imagining scenarios for what it would be like.

 

Karkat envisioned a child who had your eyes because he wanted to see what they really looked like. You anticipated a daughter who had his compassion for those he loved. He wanted one who was brilliant like you, and you came back with the desire for a child who looked like him.

 

Amongst all the imagined scenarios of naming a boy or a girl and of kissing the baby's feet to make it giggle, it figures that your life was going simply too well to really _keep_ going like it was.

 

You were both beginning to worry that there was something wrong and that you couldn't have children. You both went to fertility doctors and received the news that Karkat had slow swimmers, so you changed accordingly. Soon enough, you were told, you would have a brand new child. Ecstatic for when this would be, you continued to go to work and try with him until one day you received a call at the prosecutor's office from the hospital.

 

Nepeta drove you and you made it into there as soon as you could. The doctor had informed you that Karkat had suffered a serious heart attack and that frankly, his outlook was not good. You were unable to see Karkat for several hours until he woke up in his room, and you had lied down next to him while he murmured apologies.

 

“What are you apologizing for?” you'd asked as his oddly cold fingers were wrapped around your hands. The hiss of the oxygen was so loud in the echoing room.

 

“My family has this stupid history of having very thick blood,” he breathed out and you had wondered why he had chosen to tell you that then.

 

“My family has a history of chronic halitosis, what does it matter?” you'd asked, trying to force a joke upon him because _maybe_ joking will make him feel better and make this whole situation seem a little less dire.

 

“No, see,” he started, but then he stopped and swallowed dryly. “My father had a stroke that killed him when I was young. I thought that maybe it wouldn't happen to me, but it killed pretty much most of his family by the time they were 35.”

 

You'd taken a few moments for yourself to reflect on your life with him. His reluctance to talk about his family, his original unwillingness to get married, his pressing desire to have kids as soon as possible. He never told you anything about what happened to his father, and you don't know how you could have been _this_ blind.

 

“So is that what happened?” you'd asked and for the first time in your life you'd wished to _God_ that you could see.

 

You'd heard him nod and he had snuggled closer to you, the whole while spent apologizing to you. You'd kept telling him that he would be alright, he would get better, he'd be in rehab, he'd be put on blood thinners. He kept murmuring that he loved you and that he was sorry about that. A nurse came in eventually to hang up another bag of blood thinners and to inform you that you should probably go home. She really made no other moves to make you leave and instead just let's you stay there all night.

 

It took 3 days for Karkat to get a little bit better, and then get so much worse all at once. He had a stroke and became an incoherent vegetable for about 12 hours before he had another massive one that killed him instantly. You didn't really know what to feel when you were dragged around paperwork and crying relatives. You'd wanted to cry but _couldn't_ because he there was no way you could conceive of him being dead. Even after the funeral and he's buried it didn't really hit you that you were _alone_. The love of your life is gone and you're never going to hear him laugh or tell you that he loves you. You were never going to sit there mapping out his face with your hands again, and you were never going to get to name a child that looked like him. It hurts you so badly to think that the idea of growing old together had seemed morbid to you at one point, but now you would give anything for it.

 

The full force of it doesn't strike you, doesn't punch you in your face, until it's been three weeks, and you wake up in the middle of the night and expect him to be there and he _isn't_ , so you run to the bathroom and unload your intestines into the cool porcelain bowl in from of you. Nepeta insists that you see a doctor because you're having trouble keeping anything down, so you go just to placate her. The doctor gives you news you never thought you were going to hear, and it just makes you even more grief-stricken than you were before.

 

You were _pregnant_.

 

At first, you don't believe it. This was a just a cruel joke played to get you back for something to must have done. You couldn't be pregnant, it just felt wrong to be going through this without Karkat. He was so excited to be a dad, at times it seemed to be the only thing going through his mind. He was even anticipating what to do to make your small home ready for a child. He had bought soft rubber corners to put on cabinets and plastic locks for cabinets.

 

You resent the child growing for three months and you hate how it feels. It feels sickening to lose your husband and be pregnant on top of it all. At times, even feels like you're the one who was supposed to die. Your friends hold pity for you in their voice and ask you timid questions about how you're feeling. You don't really say much past that you're doing fine, you've been eating, you've been seeing your doctor, no, you don't know if it's a boy or a girl.

 

Then, everything inside of you seems to change all at once. After you've been pregnant for five months, almost 4 months after Karkat passed away, you feel a strange fluttering in your stomach, followed by a few harder shifts. You press a hand to your stomach and feel another hit, not too hard to leave a mark on you physcially but it seems all too real all of a sudden. You're _pregnant_. You're going to be having a _baby_. _Karkat's_ baby.

 

It feels too much, but you don't cry, you just sit there staring at _absolutely_ nothing. You can't feel animosity towards this child, it's what Karkat wanted to badly and you'd be lying if you said you didn't want it too. It just felt so wrong to be here without him, but you could make it up to him, make it so that his sudden passing maybe wasn't so horrible.

 

You ask Nepeta to schedule an appointment with your doctor so that you can finally do right.

 

Later on in the day, you get an ultrasound and learn that you're having a girl. A _girl_. Karkat wanted a girl, one who was like you. It hurts to think of, but at least now you're at a point where it _does_ hurt.

 

You spend the next two months picking out everything for the baby. Your friends help you pick clothing and build a crib and paint the old office yellow. You wait in excitement for when she's born, and you give her the name that Karkat picked out: Debora. He was into religious myth and thought it was fitting for your daughter as she was the only female Judge. You had thought his reasoning was silly at the time, but now you can't think of anything more perfect.

 

Your stomach becomes more cumbersome, but you think that you only have two months to wait before it's _finally_ done with and you're in terrified anticipation for that day. Then, you wake up one morning, your stomach twisting in pain and you think, _It's too soon, I can't have the baby now_. You pull back the covers and see disjointed pools of red among the sheets and it feel like your stomach falls out around your feet.

 

You get up and stumble to the phone and manage to call an ambulance before you collapse back on the ground, the pain shooting up your back and making tears leak from your eyes. At the hospital you're put under while the nurses try to stop the bleeding, and when you come to, they tell you that you had a miscarriage. You say that can't be possible, you can _feel_ the baby still moving.

 

They attribute it to something call phantom foetal movement, and you don't believe it until they do an ultrasound on you. The baby's rapid heartbeat doesn't resonate as it had every time before and the next day they remove what was left of her and you just don't know what to do any more.

 

Nepeta brings you home the next day and all of your friends are there to offer you consolation but all you do is lock yourself in the bathroom and cry yourself to sleep until Sollux breaks the door in and carries you to your bedroom. You wake up a bit and as you're tucked in, one large question just plays a constant reel behind your eyes, flashing brightly with regret and ancient memories:

 

What do you do now?

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> punch me in my FUCKING face


End file.
